Suing the Unsueables
by Elliot Green
Summary: Harry Potter dies and comes back as a ghost, so he decides to sue the school. They quickly decide to settle, but how long can they keep up the terms? And what happens if they can't? Very short, really just a one-shot split into three chapters.
1. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Died!

**Suing the Unsueables **

**Chapter One: Harry Potter, the Boy Who… Died?!**

**A/N: This is my second story longer than a one-shot. The previous one was around 5000 words. This one might be a bit shorter. **

**Voldemort isn't dead, Ginny and Harry are [were dating, and Ron is in love with Hermione. Takes place in Harry's seventh year. Non DH compatible. Non HBP compatible. Sirius is… Abroad. Had to go into hiding as the Ministry is determined to catch him, so he won't be in this story. He is alive, though.**

OOO

This was it. If they won this match against Slytherin, then they would be in the lead for the house cup. Then Harry spotted the snitch. Barely. It was in the middle of a snowstorm, on the coldest day of winter. The snitch was up really high.

Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were neck and neck for the snitch. Rising all the time. Higher and higher. Harry would get in the lead just a little, then Malfoy, then Harry would get a better lead, then Malfoy and back and forth. It was really high…

Harry heard the commentary with half an ear.

"Katie Bell scores! 70-40 Gryffindor! And the seekers have seen the snitch! Go!" Hermione's voice echoed through the stadium.

"Hang on… Harry is slowing down. Oh no, professor, there's something wrong with him!"

And indeed there was. He couldn't move any part of his body. He was slipping down, off his broom. Malfoy had actually stopped and was looking down on him in surprise.

Then it hit Harry. The cold feeling that Harry had had, had multiplied. By like, a million!

He had frozen.

He had frozen to death!

He felt his body slip away from him, down to the earth. Well, that confirmed it. Definitely dead.

Oh my god, he was a ghost!

Harry felt himself float gently to the ground, where people were clustering around his body.

Hermione spotted him and ran over to him in horror.

"Harry… What happened? Are you okay?"

Harry looked at her scathingly. "Do you think I'm okay? I froze to death!"

He looked at what he was wearing. The flimsy Quidditch robes over a heavy cloak, but not that heavy since anything heavier wouldn't fit right.

"I… Froze… To… Death…" He replied, shocked.

Lost of students were clustering around him. They kept asking him questions.

"Harry, are you really dead?"

"Are you okay?"

"What happened to you?"

"Why are you a ghost?"

"Did you see a bright light?"

Harry looked at all of them, shrugged, then floated through the crowd, making many people shiver.

Harry ignored them and headed towards the castle, determined to talk to a ghost. Maybe Myrtle…

OOO

Two days later, the news of Harry's death had spread through-out the school, the student's parents, relatives, close friends, old friends, new friends, pen-pals and Rita Skeeter.

Harry had spent the time in hiding, quickly escaping if anyone living came near him.

Eventually, he found himself in a part of the castle he had never seen before. There was a ghost in front of him. He looked like an old ghost, and he was looking very bored. When he saw Harry, he brightened up.

Harry told his story to the ghost for something to do, and the ghost frowned, then brightened. This was not the reaction he had been expecting.

"Why are you so happy?" He asked, a little annoyed.

"Because. I so happen to be a lawyer. And we are going to sue the school!"

OOO

**A/N: Well, that's it. **

**Kidding! Sorry, I just couldn't resist. Anyway, continue.**

OOO

Harry looked at the ghost in shock. "Sue the school?!"

"Yes. They should know better than to let you play Quidditch in the middle of winter, in the middle of a snowstorm without the right heat spells. So we sue them."

Harry stared at him. It was insane. But they could do it…

Harry agreed. The ghost told him he would work pro bono, since then maybe more ghosts would want a lawyer.

Then they created their plan. An evil plan. Totally ingenious.

And it was going to start at the next staff meeting,

OOO

Dumbledore looked around at his staff.

"So… How _did_ Quirrel manage to stay around for more than a year?"

"I don't know."

"You're right; that is weird."

"Maybe… I dunno."

"That is strange."

Came the voices of many of Hogwart's staff.

Dumbledore shook his head. "Anyway, it doesn't matter."

"What are we going to do about Voldemort?" McGonagoll said. "Now that Potter is dead, aren't we all doomed?"

"I think we were doomed anyway. Our savior was someone who froze during a Quidditch match." Snape said, scoffing.

Dumbledore let out a long sigh. "True, but I don't think we have to worry about Voldemort."

"Why?"

"Well…" He held up a card.

_Lord Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange invite you to the…_

_Voldemort/Lestrange wedding!_

_Time: noon, March 22_

_Place: Hearts Church_

_RSVP: 555-LOVE_

The card was covered in gold edging, pink hearts and glitter.

"I don't think we have to worry about Voldemort anymore."

Everyone stared at the card.

"Who was it addressed to?"

"Me." Dumbledore said, showing them the envelope.

It was pink and gold, and had 'Albus Dumbledore' written on it in swoopy letters.

"O… K…" Snape said, shaking his head.

All of a sudden, two ghosts came through the wall. Harry Potter, and some other ghost.

"Hello!" Harry said cheerfully.

"Potter! Get out of here!" Snape snapped. "Or we'll have you out of Hogwarts!"

"Nope! No can do. I am not allowing you to make me leave Hogwarts."

Snape was livid. "What! You're not allowing us?!"

Dumbledore looked at him calmly. "Sorry, Harry. If we want you out, you have to get out."

Harry turned to the other ghost. "That's good, right?"

"Yes. They tried to get rid of you! We can probably get another five hundred thousand galleons."

Dumbledore suddenly had a really, really, really bad feeling.

"What do you mean…?"

Harry smiled at the all.

"I'm suing you!"

"WHAT??!!" Snape said standing up. "You can't sue us!"

"Why not?"

"You don't have a lawyer!"

"Git, meet Steven. Steven, git."

Snape glared at them, and Steven came forward.

"You don't have a case!" Snape said, before Steve could even open his mouth.

"Ahem…" Steven started. "Harry Potter was playing an innocent game of Quidditch, relieving the stress of defeating Voldemort so many times, most likely… When he had to go too high to get the snitch. He froze to death. Here are my questions: why were you playing Quidditch during the worst snowstorm in five thousand years? Why didn't you have proper protection? Why weren't the Quidditch robes warmer? Why did you cast a spell to stop the snitch from going too high? And why, would you kill a student then kick him out of Hogwarts, the very place that was home to him for six and a half years until that very home killed him?"

"Um…" Dumbledore gestured to the other staff members and they went into a huddle.

"We're screwed. He'll get millions of galleons off of us!"

"Well, what do we do?"

"Settle."

Dumbledore turned back to the ghosts.

"We're willing to settle…"

"Good." Harry said, coming forwards. "I want to remain Head boy, I want my own rooms, I want to have my own class, I want to be able to attend any lessons I want, or don't want, I want my own puppy and I want a person to go around interacting with the world for me. Oh, and I want you to research how to make me into a poltergeist."

"Deal!" Dumbledore said, quickly.

OOO

**A/N: What do you think? That's it for now. Here's a sneak peek:**

**Harry attends potions. **

**Dumbledore tells the school about Harry.**

**Snape gets really angry.**

**They have it up to here. ''**

** Alla**


	2. Having It Up To Here

**Suing the Unsueables**

**Chapter Two: The Mandatory Class of Potter's Complaining **

**Or**

**Having It Up To Here**

**A/N: Here's chapter two. Hope you like!**

OOO

Harry Potter drifted calmly into the Gryffindor common room.

"Hello people! Head boy here, listen up!"

Everyone reluctantly stopped what they were doing and turned to Harry.

"I have a new class, only for seventh years, that is mandatory! I repeat, man-da-tory. So I will see you all tomorrow at nine."

Everyone groaned and Harry drifted up the stairs to his own dorm.

OOO

_The following day at nine…_

Harry drifted through the black-board like Binns did at the beginning of every lesson.

"Hello class. Welcome to my class of my complaints."

Everyone let out a loud groan.

"That's it! I've had it up to here! Detention for everyone! For a month! No, two! No! For the rest of the year!

Everyone let out another, longer groan.

"That's it! I'm taking away the house points from every house!"

"WHAT?!" Everyone said at the same time. I wonder how they did that. Maybe they have special synchronizing lessons…

Harry smirked at them. "Complaint one. The students here are very annoying. Complaint two. The teachers here aren't as good as me. Complaint three… And so it continued up to complaint five hundred and sixty five. And a half. When the bell rang everyone ran out. Surprisingly, after that class they were all very eager to get to potions.

OOO

Harry decided to go to potions class to stir up some trouble.

Another surprise.

Harry drifted in after the class and smiled at Snape.

Snape glared at the Gryffindors who were chatting.

"Five points from Gryffindor!"

At that, everyone burst into laughter.

Snape scowled at them all. "What! Why are you laughing?"

"Because none of the houses have any points left at all."

Snape looked livid. "What? Why?"

"I took all the house points from every house away." Harry explained.

"What? How did you do that?"

"I'm a teacher."

Snape laughed. "Of what?"

"The mandatory class of Potter's complaining."

Snape looked surprised. "What? Really?"

"Yup!"

The rest of the class was really boring in comparison.

OOO

The teachers were discussing the school's predicament

"We have to do something about Potter. He's ruining the school!"

"We have no choice. We have to let him sue us."

OOO

The case was very fast. And brutal.

Harry won. Since Hogwarts didn't have twenty million galleons, Harry got the school.

He now owns Hogwarts.

Owns Hogwarts.

He is the Headmaster of Hogwarts.

It's just too weird.

OOO

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the short chapter, but I couldn't think of anything else to write. I hate to say it, but I think the next chapter will be the end. I think that I might make the whole story one huge one-shot. Maybe. Anyway, hope you liked, despite the shortness.**


	3. Grand Ending

**Suing the Unsueables**

The Grand Headmaster Of Hogwarts

**A/N: Here's the next chapter. Sorry for the HUGE wait.**

OOO

Harry burst into the common room. Somehow. Well, he _actually_ drifted in, but it sort of looked like bursting.  
Hermione looked up at him. "What's up Harry?"  
"I sued the school, won, and became Headmaster of Hogwarts in one night. What did you accomplish?"  
"You WHAT?!" Hermione said, standing up suddenly and throwing Crookshanks off her lap, causing a chain reaction of events including Crookshanks flying up the boys' staircase, being thrown out the window, being caught by a passing Thestral, deposited in the lake but being grabbed by the Squid who reached up a huge tentacle to the Gryffindor tower where it dropped the terrified cat through the common room window gently, and having the cat pee in terror on the carpet. Not that it matters.  
Harry grinned at Hermione and drifted out of the tower. "You'll see at breakfast tomorrow."

Hermione shook her head mutely and cleaned up the cat pee on the carpet.

OOO

The next day at breakfast, Harry sat in the Headmaster's seat and Dumbledore sat next to him.

This caused a lot of commotion.

When everyone was there, Harry stood up.

"Attention students! I have an announcement to make. Starting yesterday, I am now the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Until I die. Again. Since I don't see that happening in the near future, tough toenails. Now, Dumbledore is your new Senior Deputy Headmaster, and McGonagoll is Junior Deputy Headmaster. All the other staff positions are the same, except one.

"Professor Snape is my new butt-monkey."

"WHAT?!" Came out of the mouths of every single person in the Great Hall.

"You heard me."

"No way!" Snape said, standing up. "I quit!"

"No you don't. Because you betrayed my parents and that means no one else will ever hire you."

Snape glared and sat down.

"Let's test. Butt-monkey! Come!"

If looks could kill, then Snape's glare would have grown flowers. It was so awful, that it actually _went out the other side_.

It was that horrible.

Snape walked over to Harry, metaphorical flowers sprouting all over.

"Y-e-s?" The word was drawn out and cut short.

Harry smiled happily. "Butt-monkey! You must wear the traditional suit of the butt-monkey." He held out a man-thong. (**A/N: That is the most disgusting thing I have ever written. Go on. Try and get the picture out of your head.**)

There was silence. Now there were metaphorical fuzzy pink kittens.

Snape took the er, sorry all. I can't even type that.

He took the … and said, "…Living on the street would be better then that." Then something clicked.

He ran into a side room, changed into… It… And then came running out again.

"I quit! I quit!" He yelled, took off his thong and put it on Dumbledore's head, then started running around the hall naked yelling, "I'm a cat! Meow! Now I'm a bear! Grr! Now I'm a…!" He abruptly ran into a pillar. Then fell backwards. Everyone hid their eyes.

A couple of house-elves came in. "We'll take care of him." They dragged him into a wall, that turned out to be a secret passage-way.

Moment of stunned silence.

Then, Harry said, "Well… That was interesting. Who wants to be my new butt-monkey." There was a large silence.

"OK then. I am officially closing Hogwarts!"

More silence, then Harry realized something. "Hey! Why did everyone leave?" He turned to a house-elf standing next to him. "When did he leave?"

"Right after Snape crashed into the pillar, sir."

"Oh. House party!"

The house-elf shrugged, and then waved his arm. Decorations appeared out of no where, and music. Instantly, people started bursting into the Great Hall.

"Welcome! To Potter Manor!"

There was silence, then cheering.

And Harry lived like that, happily ever after.

Until someone sucked him into a vacuum cleaner.

XXXOOO

**A/N: Well? You like? It was OK, and an interesting ending. Hope you liked it!**


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